diaryshh

a place for all the mess to go.

Stupid

Whenever I speak, something stupid comes out of my mouth, it could be a one liner or it could be a whole conversation that I ramble on convincing myself I know what I’m going on about and in a matter for example my uncle says that one of the hockey players of the local team we support is a ‘homicidal maniac’ my reply was ‘no he can’t be hes a plumber’ its just moments like these that make me want to hit myself in the face.
I do it all the time too, my sister is forever telling me that I know nothing simply because I called a vestibule the ‘porch bit’ of my house.
It always makes for a good laugh and a joke and it’s kind of become typical of me to come out with stupid things.
Is there anybody else out there who comes out with stupid things too? or has anyone got any stories to tell me?
p.s
It’s been over a year since I posted in here, and I realize my last posts where some-what dreadful. I do apologize to anyone who read them.
Love,
S x

Thirteen.

I’m sarcastic, Maybe too much so, I listen to old pop songs from my childhood way to much and I love looking back at photos from my childhood and saying ‘remember when’ but id much rather look at ok photos from before I was born and listen to stories from my mum and dads lives before I was born, before I was together.

Listening to music with my headphones on makes me panic because I can’t hear what’s going on around me but I love it anyway, I love getting lost in the music as I fall Into the words of a good book.

I like it when it’s sunny and I sit on my bed with the window open, it makes me feel calm to feel the breeze on my face.

I love the rain even if it makes me look like a drowned rat. I like how it means I won’t sweat or if I do no one will
Be able to tell, that’s why I like the cold so much too.

I hate night clubs and I hate alcohol. But I love to dance in a crowd full of people who don’t care and I like the way alcohol makes me feel fuzzy and giggly.

I love to say how close my family are even if it isn’t true, even if I know they are all back stabbers.

I don’t like it when people call my mums side of the family snobs, even if I say it myself sometimes.

I hate cream eggs, I hate how the thought of them make me feel sick and I hate even more how everybody else seems to love them.

I hate my doctor but I feel sorry for him, I mean come on it’s gotta be hard being that much of an asshole 24/7

I hate how I pick out the nice guys, who really like me and I seem to turn them in the cheaters.

I hate how I have every opportunity to form a relationship yet I’m too scared to do it that I push them away.

I hate how I love him even though he’s with someone knew.

I hate how I blame him but in reality it’s my fault for pushing him away.

I don’t hate how he used me for sex but I hate that I let myself be used.

I love my job but I hate how I’m terrified to go.

I love my life I do but sometimes I wish I could change it all.

twelve.

I seem to be going at full speed then I crash and burn, things seem to start to look up and then they go wrong just as quick. 

In my attempt to get over my ex (f buddy) like he has gotten over me, I have kissed my best friend (very bad drunken idea that resulted in my sister (he was her ex oops) no longer talking to me) I thought there was a possible dating opportunity with a guy which we never seem to get to see eachother for various reasons.

and finally there is my ex, he was lovely with a click of my fingers he would be there for me, and i was so broken, so messed up that i left him because i couldn’t handle the pressure of being in a relationship with someone so great. we got talking again, after almost a year he was flirting with me, then i talk to my best friend and hes been flirting with her too;.

now I feel stupid because he likes her and i got the wrong end of the stick and now i have to watch them form something. 

I just feel like I’m back to square one yet again. I want to be happy with someone because being happy alone just isn’t enough anymore. It probably sounds desperate but I just want someone who I can look at, say is mine and be happy about it.

I don’t want a ‘he used to be mine but i messed it up’ or a ‘hes kinda mine but hes mostly hers’ or ‘hes mine but only when were alone.’ 

The past few weeks my head has been a mess, I just feel like i have a black hole in my head and im being sucked into it. my panic attacks are becoming more frequent and alot worse and I feel like putting my phone in the bin.

maybe I need to go back to the doctors or maybe I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself.

 

Eleven.

so tonight is the night, I’ll put my make up on and do my hair whilst having a glass if wine or two, put on that new outfit and those new heals.

I’ll feel good about myself and head of into town with my friends, I’ll dance with a guy, but won’t kiss him just incase I run into him.

He will be out, maybe not in the same club but he will be out within walking distance with her, and I’ll try my best to avoid them, I will try not to see them dancing, kissing and him buying her a drink.

So maybe I will kiss a guy or I’ll meet up with someone I know likes me, someone who won’t screw me over.

or maybe just maybe I’ll just have a good girls night out.

No drama, no men, no jealousy.

Ten.

do you mind if I text you later I’m with my girlfriend’
‘sure’

No it’s not okay for you to do that, it’s not. It’s not okay for you to wrap your arms around her, for her to stroke your chest as laugh at your jokes, for her to stare up at you whilst it’s quite, for you to think that it’s okay to lie to her that she’s the only one when clearly she isn’t.

I thought I could handle this. I thought I wasn’t going to be jealous but the thought of her being where I should be, that’s torture.

Mine, you have been mine for a long time yet here you are sharing yourself with another woman, someone who doesn’t deserve to be lied to.

And then there is me, I don’t deserve to be tortured in secret, I deserve better yet here I am saying yes that’s fine, don’t worry about it, text me when she’s gone.

Nine

I can see my self slipping into a very dark place again, a place where I feel so alone and so cold and leaving the house throws me into an anxiety attack.

I can feel myself going and i am trying so hard to stop myself but it’s not working I want to start caring but I just can’t.

On the up hand I have two days of to do nothing but think and cuddle my dog.

Could do without the thinking part though.

Eight.

How stupid can I be? Really.
I got it into my head that if I was to have an affair with him eventually he would leave her and be with me like he always said, like everyone has thought but no, as he likes to remind me just as I get my hopes up he has a girlfriend and he can’t do that to her.

But there’s something between us he says, something he can’t ignore a fire, a passion that doesn’t happen very often and for the past year we have been playing with it and fighting it and plain ignoring it but at the end of the day it all comes back to the simple fact me and him can’t say no to each other.

Seven.

It’s taken me awhile to get around to writing this, mostly because I have been busy but partly because I have Been in a away, ashamed of myself. In my last posts I came across as a confident person who yes had her emotional down falls but for the most part had it all together but in all honesty that just is not true. I am weak so weak especially when it comes to men or more in fact a man.

I have let him worm himself back into my life even though it is public knowledge that he has a girlfriend. I haven’t actually seen him since just after new year as he’s been off sick ( thank The Lord) but the amount of texting he’s doing I’m surprised his girlfriend hasn’t figured out it’s me she’s been suspicious of.

One thing that makes me smile is that’s she’s the kind of girl that wears plastic tiaras on nights out 😏

It makes me so happy.

Five.

I’m so tired, how am I so tired? I have done nothing but sleep for four days and I’m still tired. I feel so lazy! I know I’ve been sick (kind off) but still it’s no excuse for being so tired. I did some excersize before (kind off) I went on my shaking machine for fifteen minuets before I had to come of because my head was starting to hurt and I’d run out of patients with balancing my phone on the top of it. If you don’t know what a shaking machine is it’s a vibration plate – I don’t know if it really works but it does make me feel like I’ve done something even if it is just doing the squat positions for fifteen minuets.

So I managed to watch lost girl today- all I can say is FUCKING AWESOME! 

only a short one today and probably no updates tomorrow as I have work (woohoo) and then I’m going to my sisters as she’s making me roast potato’s.

so now I must go… 

have a shower and read until I fall asleep. 

– go me! 

goodnight,

S.

 

Four and a half.

I do apologize for the rubbish content yesterday, I really did feel god damn awful and I still kinda do. I’m a little bit better but my head is still aching and I haven’t been out yet despite my mum insisting ‘a walk will make you feel better’ I don’t think I’ll take that piece of advice I’m happy just wallowing watching rubbish films in my bed but I have ventured downstairs so I can sit by the fire in the living room. 

Today was the first time my mum lit it and it was the first time I’ve seen the coca-cola Christmas advert this year so I very nearly started crying I was so happy, I felt like a little child getting excited for Christmas, soon we’ll be putting up the tree and having teas where its things like fish fingers and spring rolls to use up what’s in the freezer just because it’s tradition. 

I’ve also discovered my new love for Little Mix, I wish I wasn’t about to say this because I really thought I’d gotten over the whole crazy fan girl stage but I bloody love them! literally everything about them is ace! there harmony’s are beautiful and the lyrics are really empowering  

Today is also the return of Lost Girl which I absolutely adore! but I wont be able to see that until tomorrow as there is no live stream.. oh well, not the end of the world now is it. 

I was in the shower earlier on and Paramore – Ain’t it fun came on my phone and instead of it being all ‘in your face’ I very nearly cried, I actually sat in my bath and had a moment because I realised I had been singing this song (in my head of coarse) to some friends that had screwed me over and now I’m in there position and I’m alone, despite have friends they don’t have time for me to talk to them about the things inside my head and why should they? I told them all to screw them selves when they tried to get me to see the truth about James even though they where right and they where just trying to help. It still sucked to hear the truth especially when I was so dumb blindedly (is that a word?) happy. 

When I told my sister that I’d ended it with him, she actually sat me down and said ‘I told you so’ a good 20 times. Which was actually what I needed to hear, it made me laugh because even though I was hurting she was still teasing me and what else is a big sister supposed to do? hug me and tell me everything’s gonna be okay at work? because no it’s probably not – she’s supposed to make you laugh and eventually end up pissing you off. 

Ah I do love her. 

Cya,

S.